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well i went almost 3 months without becoming really depressed and… - LiFe? Or SoMeThInG LiKe It
November 2009
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Wed, Feb. 14th, 2007 07:29 pm
well
i went almost 3 months without becoming really depressed
and here i am again

crying my eyeballs out and i just can't stop

i met an awesome guy, who i liked a lot, but of course he wasn't everything i wanted him to be, but no one is ever going to be, and because of this i lost all interest and went crying back to vinny, which is what i do everytime
well ben asked me out for valentines day and i said yes, cause at the time i still really liked him, but as it became closer and closer to valentines day, the more i pushed away from him, making excuses about it being him when i know damn well its me, i can't let go of vinny, i can't... and i think that meeting another guy is going to change that? its not
and so i tell ben i don't want to go out because of the weather, which is true, the weather is really bad... but if i really wanted to go, i could have, or at least hung out with him
and i opened up to him and told him about vinny... and of course he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, knowing that i can't let go out my ex boyfriend and that i talk to him every day
so he dropped off the stuff he got me for valentines day, but i don't want to go out and get it because i know its just gonna make me more upset

i do this everytime
everytime i get my hopes up about a boy and get let down, i get really depressed, this is how it is
and then it turns into my whole life just not being good and i'm not happy with anything

i have a good life, i am really lucky
(ben just called to tell me my stuff was out on the chair, i got your message... urrggghhh)
anyway

i've really gotten into modeling, which i like, but i don't like, because i hate uncomfortable situations and here i am putting myself into them all the time, but i love the pictures afterwards, i am just so excited to receive and look at the pictures, it makes me happy... its actually taking them that i'm kind of ehhh about...

i dont know
i guess my life just isn't what i expected it or wanted it to be
but the only person who can change that is me

i seriously get really depressed, like i dont want to do this anymore... meaning live my life... i just think about quitting... just stopping... i can see how people commit suicide, i could never... i value life way too much... but when nothing is going right... its nice to be able to just start over... and i can understand why people think suicide is the answer... but its definitly not... you're only ending what could be something great, and hurting a ton of people in the process

okay... i think im starting to calm down again
analyzing everything and writing it all out always helps

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