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this is going to be long since i dont really have anyone to talk to… - LiFe? Or SoMeThInG LiKe It
November 2009
Tue, Jun. 13th, 2006 12:42 am
this is going to be long
since i dont really have anyone to talk to up here

i dont even know where to start
except that im crying, which i really havent been doing much of lately
i have been really strong and i am so very proud of myself for it

to be in love with someone so much, and to beg that person to be with you and have them tell you you cant, and not even for a really good reason
but, thats not what bothers me, because that i understand

its her...
and i can't believe i have spent the last 3 years believing that they were just friends
i feel so stupid and foolish
i should have trusted myself the first time i felt this way
when he wouldn't let me meet her
what kind of guy doesn't want to introduce his girlfriend to his best friend?
the kind of guy that is in love with his best friend
all the signs were clear
his excuse for not introducing us when she was here "i didnt want you to keep my attention from her"
he never talks to her in front of me, unless i pressure him
and even then, the conversations are short and sweet
hes admitted he wanted to be with her
that he would marry her
and that the reason his mom isn't too fond of me, is because she likes her
how can you be with someone for almost 3 years and not meet their best friend? not talk to them on the phone, nothing, no contact what so ever
he has more pictures of her in his room than me
the final straw... she came to visit... he called me an hour before she got there...
and has not called me since
we got in a fight the night she was there, because he didnt believe me when i said i was going to bed (him being an asshole)
and this was through text messaging, not even on the phone
and i said "have fun with your future wife"
he got mad, he says thats why he hasnt called
any other time we have gotten in a fight.. he calls.. especially knowing i am home and how lonely i am
and if he didnt call that night, he definitly would have called the next day to see if i was okay
he didnt even see if i was okay
am i suppose to spend the rest of my life loving someone who will never put me first?
he'll always put her before me, i can't live with that
even knowing that he has so far, it hurts, so bad
and i have repeatedly told him this
and he barely denies it
i wish he could just imagine how much it hurts
oh he denies, but its weak
and i keep bringing this up
and i keep telling him i dont believe him when he says he loves me
he does nothing
not even a fucking phone call
you know... if the person i was in love with, as much as he said hes love me, and he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me
im sorry... but if the person i wanted to marry questioned my love for him
i would rush to be with him, and if i couldnt
i would do everything possible to prove it to him
he has done absolutely nothing but send me some text messages and some IMs

and ive realized that i just cant be with him, because being with him would make him not be able to talk to her
and how do you tell someone that they have to stop talking to their best friend?
to the person they have spent their whole childhood with?
you cant do that to someone
but how am i suppose to live knowing shes more important to him?
i cant
i cant do that
and its not even like its a different way...
he put her first, and he always does
and ive never realized it
ive been so stupid
but now i do, i realize all the times she has been put before me
SHE HAS EVEN INTRODUCED HIM TO HER BOYFRIENDS! does he not realize!?!?!?! she doesnt feel the same way about him as he does her
and the sad part is, he cant even admit how much he cares about her, it drives me nuts
i just want him to fucking admit it, so i can move on

he wants to come visit, and i want him to, but at the same time i dont
i dont want to care about him anymore
im sick of crying
im sick of hurting
and im sick of having to deal with this girl
and all of his problems! when he drinks, hes a monster
now hes doing coke again
hes violent
he makes me violent
and maybe thats just the way i am, but i dont think so
its like he brings out that person in me
and sometimes... i am really afraid of him
when his temper is going
im afraid, i cower
how can you love someone who makes you cower and be afraid?

i am so unstable... and so rocky right now
and lonely

and of course i meet this awesome guy
who treats me way better than i have ever been treated before
and its awesome, because he just out of a serious relationship too
so hes not ready for anything either
but at the same time... his relationship didnt end the same as mine did
his is over
mine is still dwelling
i still talk to vinny, everyday
not on the phone, but text messaging or IMs
and i feel like im being dishonest with him... although im not, i told him we still talk
but how am i suppose to give my heart to someone when im not ready?
and i really want to
and hes so awesome i dont want to lose him
but im not ready to be like this
and he said it ... the other night, so cute
he told me i scared him, because he just got out of a relationship
and i told him i was the same way , so not to worry about it
but i feel wrong for even being intimate with him... so i wont

im just so hurt
so lost
and so confused

and up until tonight
i was okay with the way things were
but im not

i need to go to bed