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LiFe? Or SoMeThInG LiKe It
again... its been a super long time since i updated... the only time i ever really come on here is when i need to write about things that i feel i can't really talk to anyone about, so here i am
everything with eric is amazing
we're married now
and i think thats why i am so miserable right now
i think this whole pregnancy thing is really starting to get to me
i am so happy to be pregnant, i am excited, i have wanted a baby forever
but right now it super sucks
i can't smoke... which is honestly what helped me get through a day
it helps me relax and just enjoy life and although my sister and mom say they both smoked while pregnant.. i just can't do it
A). because i could never live with myself if something bad happened to the baby because of it
and B). because my doctors office drug tests me everytime i go there
my mom tells me to just go to a different doctor then... but i don't want to, i like my doctors office
it really sucks
and i can't drink... which really isn't a big deal for me because i honestly don't even like drinking... but its what helps to keep me social
all my friends are young and like to go out drinking and have a good time
and i feel like i can't go out anymore because i feel like a party pooper.. which i am
when everyone gets drunk and im sitting there completely sober, its absolutely not fun
so i feel like i am losing my friends... i am drifting farther and farther away from them because i never see them and i don't have anything to talk about with them anymore and so in return they are all getting closer with one another and making new friends and such and here i am just sitting here at home being pregnant... its miserable
i've pretty much completely lost touch with my sister, i don't even know whats going on in her life anymore
i don't know... driving to utica to work all the time is really killing me too, if they would just move me back to syracuse i think that would help me too
i want to smoke so bad because i know it'll help me relax right now... this sucks... i need to do something to get my mind off of things
i feel bad for eric really... he takes the brunt of most of my anger and frustration because hes the only person i truly feel comfortable taking it out on
i dont know what to do... poop
wow, so i haven't written in this in like... uhhhh... ages...
im not going to go into details about where i am in life right now... im just going to vent how i feel, because thats what i came here for
i am extremely upset and lonely... why? because i am so happy
isn't that odd?
i love eric so much, he seriously has no idea... he is my everything
and its funny, cause there are days when he drives me absolutely fucking crazy and i just want him to leave me the hell alone, but when it all comes down to it, i HATE when he leaves me alone.... yea, maybe for like an hour or two leave me alone, but never REALLY leave me alone... like this weekend... ugh
i was suppose to go away with my pledge class and it canceled out, well since i was going to be doing that, eric made other plans, and since now im not going.. hes still going to camp, and i cant go because i have to work... so i am home alone.. and not even home alone, but without Opie even... AH! i am ultimately depressingly alone right now... oh its awful
which is why im writing, to keep my mind off of it.. ha, how ironic. but if i think about it, i start to ball because i seriously miss eric that much, its crazy, him being away, and its only been 12 hours.. i am miserable.
i love him so much, i hope we're together for ever and he never leaves me... i really hope this one works out, i don't think i've ever been this crazy in love before, like i've never been this upset about having to sleep alone. but sometimes we get in some serious fights and i get scared that it isn't going to work, us... but then i just think of how it'd be without him, and i never want that
i show my affection to him differently.. but i love him so much
i just hope he knows that.
i really hope he does.
i went almost 3 months without becoming really depressed
and here i am again
crying my eyeballs out and i just can't stop
i met an awesome guy, who i liked a lot, but of course he wasn't everything i wanted him to be, but no one is ever going to be, and because of this i lost all interest and went crying back to vinny, which is what i do everytime
well ben asked me out for valentines day and i said yes, cause at the time i still really liked him, but as it became closer and closer to valentines day, the more i pushed away from him, making excuses about it being him when i know damn well its me, i can't let go of vinny, i can't... and i think that meeting another guy is going to change that? its not
and so i tell ben i don't want to go out because of the weather, which is true, the weather is really bad... but if i really wanted to go, i could have, or at least hung out with him
and i opened up to him and told him about vinny... and of course he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, knowing that i can't let go out my ex boyfriend and that i talk to him every day
so he dropped off the stuff he got me for valentines day, but i don't want to go out and get it because i know its just gonna make me more upset
i do this everytime
everytime i get my hopes up about a boy and get let down, i get really depressed, this is how it is
and then it turns into my whole life just not being good and i'm not happy with anything
i have a good life, i am really lucky
(ben just called to tell me my stuff was out on the chair, i got your message... urrggghhh)
i've really gotten into modeling, which i like, but i don't like, because i hate uncomfortable situations and here i am putting myself into them all the time, but i love the pictures afterwards, i am just so excited to receive and look at the pictures, it makes me happy... its actually taking them that i'm kind of ehhh about...
i dont know
i guess my life just isn't what i expected it or wanted it to be
but the only person who can change that is me
i seriously get really depressed, like i dont want to do this anymore... meaning live my life... i just think about quitting... just stopping... i can see how people commit suicide, i could never... i value life way too much... but when nothing is going right... its nice to be able to just start over... and i can understand why people think suicide is the answer... but its definitly not... you're only ending what could be something great, and hurting a ton of people in the process
okay... i think im starting to calm down again
analyzing everything and writing it all out always helps
been really lonely
need to do something to fix this
my best friend is the 46 year old woman i work with
is this sad?
i need to get out of here
i'm moving in january
and thats final
i just can't stay here any longer, i got nothing... its pathetic
enough depression for one day
ive become so lonely
lately i picture myself dating almost anyone
and being happy
and then once i truly think about it happening, i freak out with as many reasons why my life would never work with this person
i think there is something wrong with me
i just want someone good =(
I'll be honest...you're AMAZING!
Everyone of your pictures scream BEAUTIFUL!
I've just decided that you need to be here ASAP and if your not here in the next month...I'm going to buy a UPS box and mail your ass to me. Bobbi I'm not totally sure what it is about you, but I'm absolutely crazy about you. Distance blows...And because of that I've been slightly trying to push off the reality of meeting you.
You all your messages/e-mails you send mean so such to me. I love them and they hands down bring a huge smile to me face. Thank you. And Thank you for just being you...you really do mean alot to me...you always have.
I'm at a time in my life where work is a big part...hope and think you understand that...but with that said I have to make alot of big decisions right now. I feel like some of those decisions include you...so please don't think that your not important.
Alrightly...your amazing...miss you millions!
i hate that hes so busy
i wish he'd make an exception for me
not visiting markus
... surprise surprise
hes too busy, moving into his new apartment this weekend
just sucks... i feel like i am trying too hard to meet someone to be happy with
but im not rushing
ive hung out with a couple of people, haven't been impressed and just kind of blew them off
i'm looking for something to blow me away, something to make me really feel happy... like i feel lucky to be with them
i want to be proud that they're my boyfriend, ya know?
i'm not gonna settle for someone whose just alright
i'm still in love with vinny, so its hard... cause of course i am looking for someone to make me feel as comfortable as i did with him
it just sucks... because i feel like markus is that person, and everytime i talk to him, he just fits the mold of what i want, more and more
but he lives in massachusetts, and i am not going to move there
and he wants to live there the rest of his life
but i mean i'd at least like to meet, to see if it is amazing ya know? to at least have the chance to find out
but maybe its better if i don't
cause what if he is the one to blow me away... it won't work anyway
the kid can never even remember to call me back
im thinking of buying a house... its a two person house, right next door to my sisters
3 bedrooms 1 bath on one floor, 2 bedrooms 1 bath on another floor
who needs somewhere to move?
it'll be cheap to
cause i figure my mortgage will be like $600 a month
if i charge $200 per person to live on the 3 bedroom, that will cover the mortgage, then whoever lives in the 2 bedroom with me, i'll charge them 150 a month and half utilities, and that 150 can go in a seperate bankaccount in case anything breaks in the house, i'll have money to fix it
good idea huh?
anyone want to live with me? haha
i fucking hate being home
everything about being here is such an annoying piece of shit
i cant go out and do anything because i cant fucking leave my dog, cause everyone is a fucking asshole and no one will stay with him
my aunt says she has no problem watching him
but my brother in law is a fuckwad, and says if she continues to watch the dog that hes gonna charge her 50 a month, which is ridiculous, yea sometimes he poops on the floor, but its not that big of a deal, all you have to do is fucking pick it up
but he says hes gonna have to replace the carpets...
yea well, thats not because of my dog so why do you have to punish me
and then my dad says he understands, and its not me hes upset with, its my aunt
well then why are you punishing me!?!?!
i HATE everyone
everyone is so selfish and money hungry
and if i could afford it, i'd get my own place, but i don't want to because i don't want to be stuck here for a year, i want to get out of here ASAP
hopefully by january at the latest
i'm definitly moving after this week
i was starting to change my mind
because i like being around my family
but all they do is piss me off more than anything
i can't stand it
and markus hasn't talked to me in a fucking week, why am i going to go visit someone who can't even return my phone calls?
i'm just miserable right now and bitching
so i have this HUGE crush on this kid, his name is Markus
and i have known him since i was 15, and i have always had this thing for him
and the weirder thing is, we met online, and we have never met in person
but for the past 6... almost 7 years
we have kept in touch and have been talking
isn't that amazing?
well finally, i decide, i am going to go visit him
so i made the plans, i am going aug 12, 13, 14
but i have been thinking about it, and i don't think its a good idea
the reason i have never visited him before, is because we never really keep in touch on a regular basis, he is very busy
and its drives me crazy
when you care about someone, you want to call them and talk to them, and you don't ignore there text messages
well we have been talking more lately, but i wish we could talk everyday
but the thing is, he has his own business, tons of friends, and a girlfriend
and when we first started talking again recently
he told me how he felt about his girlfriend, he likes her, but hes not amazed by her, and by being with her, he thinks he would be settling
and they have only been together 8 months, and its been on and off
and i wrote to him and told him i didn't think she was good enough looking for him, but that was probably because i was just jealous, and he wrote this back to me'
"Haha...your so cute!
Yes she is a great girl, but like I said no "WOW!" factor. "
meaning shes nothing too special to him
but then i got to thinking, if this girl wasn't really anything special to him
why hasn't he broke up with her already???
so when i go visit... does he expect something to happen between us? because i am not about to be the person who helps him cheat on his girlfriend
and then, what if i go there and i do really like him.. a lot? when i come back here, hes just gonna be too busy for me again and i'm gonna get upset
so i don't really even know if its worth me going
i think its gonna end up being more painful
but then i got to thinking, maybe we'll really hit it off, i'll never know unless i go
and i don't go, i'm gonna be thinking... what if?
so i decided i'm going, but before i'm not going to be all over him unless he breaks up with his girlfriend, because thats just not right
look at what he wrote to me
"First of all...Wow! Second of all...Wow!
Aren't you the looker...now I know why every boy from Buffalo to Syracuse wants to date you.
Seriously though you are beautiful and I'm feeling a little left out. I see you smiling and being cute in all your pictures, but I'm not in a single one! "
i am crazy about him... i just wish he felt the same way about me
maybe he does, maybe he is just ridiculously busy
but i do really like him a lot
and when i go there, i hope it works out
this is going to be long
since i dont really have anyone to talk to up here
i dont even know where to start
except that im crying, which i really havent been doing much of lately
i have been really strong and i am so very proud of myself for it
to be in love with someone so much, and to beg that person to be with you and have them tell you you cant, and not even for a really good reason
but, thats not what bothers me, because that i understand
and i can't believe i have spent the last 3 years believing that they were just friends
i feel so stupid and foolish
i should have trusted myself the first time i felt this way
when he wouldn't let me meet her
what kind of guy doesn't want to introduce his girlfriend to his best friend?
the kind of guy that is in love with his best friend
all the signs were clear
his excuse for not introducing us when she was here "i didnt want you to keep my attention from her"
he never talks to her in front of me, unless i pressure him
and even then, the conversations are short and sweet
hes admitted he wanted to be with her
that he would marry her
and that the reason his mom isn't too fond of me, is because she likes her
how can you be with someone for almost 3 years and not meet their best friend? not talk to them on the phone, nothing, no contact what so ever
he has more pictures of her in his room than me
the final straw... she came to visit... he called me an hour before she got there...
and has not called me since
we got in a fight the night she was there, because he didnt believe me when i said i was going to bed (him being an asshole)
and this was through text messaging, not even on the phone
and i said "have fun with your future wife"
he got mad, he says thats why he hasnt called
any other time we have gotten in a fight.. he calls.. especially knowing i am home and how lonely i am
and if he didnt call that night, he definitly would have called the next day to see if i was okay
he didnt even see if i was okay
am i suppose to spend the rest of my life loving someone who will never put me first?
he'll always put her before me, i can't live with that
even knowing that he has so far, it hurts, so bad
and i have repeatedly told him this
and he barely denies it
SHE SLEPT IN HIS BED
THEY WENT TO OUR FAVORITE RESTAURANT
i wish he could just imagine how much it hurts
oh he denies, but its weak
and i keep bringing this up
and i keep telling him i dont believe him when he says he loves me
he does nothing
not even a fucking phone call
you know... if the person i was in love with, as much as he said hes love me, and he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me
im sorry... but if the person i wanted to marry questioned my love for him
i would rush to be with him, and if i couldnt
i would do everything possible to prove it to him
he has done absolutely nothing but send me some text messages and some IMs
and ive realized that i just cant be with him, because being with him would make him not be able to talk to her
and how do you tell someone that they have to stop talking to their best friend?
to the person they have spent their whole childhood with?
you cant do that to someone
but how am i suppose to live knowing shes more important to him?
i cant do that
and its not even like its a different way...
he put her first, and he always does
and ive never realized it
ive been so stupid
but now i do, i realize all the times she has been put before me
SHE HAS EVEN INTRODUCED HIM TO HER BOYFRIENDS! does he not realize!?!?!?! she doesnt feel the same way about him as he does her
and the sad part is, he cant even admit how much he cares about her, it drives me nuts
i just want him to fucking admit it, so i can move on
he wants to come visit, and i want him to, but at the same time i dont
i dont want to care about him anymore
im sick of crying
im sick of hurting
and im sick of having to deal with this girl
and all of his problems! when he drinks, hes a monster
now hes doing coke again
he makes me violent
and maybe thats just the way i am, but i dont think so
its like he brings out that person in me
and sometimes... i am really afraid of him
when his temper is going
im afraid, i cower
how can you love someone who makes you cower and be afraid?
i am so unstable... and so rocky right now
and of course i meet this awesome guy
who treats me way better than i have ever been treated before
and its awesome, because he just out of a serious relationship too
so hes not ready for anything either
but at the same time... his relationship didnt end the same as mine did
his is over
mine is still dwelling
i still talk to vinny, everyday
not on the phone, but text messaging or IMs
and i feel like im being dishonest with him... although im not, i told him we still talk
but how am i suppose to give my heart to someone when im not ready?
and i really want to
and hes so awesome i dont want to lose him
but im not ready to be like this
and he said it ... the other night, so cute
he told me i scared him, because he just got out of a relationship
and i told him i was the same way , so not to worry about it
but i feel wrong for even being intimate with him... so i wont
im just so hurt
and so confused
and up until tonight
i was okay with the way things were
but im not
i need to go to bed
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